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Humanist Parenting: Secular Ceremonies and Celebrations

Why Celebrate?

Celebrating the major transitions in life is as old as humanity: archeologists have found evidence of funeral rites for Cro-Magnons and Neanderthals dating back 60,000 years. It seems that all human cultures have marked key moments in their lives with ceremony and speeches, music and feasting.

Rites of passage are a time for solemn commitments and joyful celebrations. They are also a time for reflection. They are moments when we step back from our daily concerns and look at our lives in a broader context. We explore the beliefs and values that give shape and meaning to our lives.

For many people these values – and their underlying existential beliefs – are spiritual. But there is nothing intrinsically religious about celebrating rites of passage. Many non-religious people like to celebrate too, but they prefer to do so in secular ceremonies, where they will not find themselves saying things they do not believe.

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Types of ceremony

The most common secular ceremonies are weddings, including affirmations, and funerals, including memorials. Humanist baby namings are also popular. In Norway, humanist coming of age ceremonies for teenagers are very popular. In addition to the formal ceremonies publicly marking the major rites of passage, there are other occasions where people may be asked to say some meaningful words: an invocation to open a legislative session, or a benediction before a formal meal.

Sometimes families of mixed religious beliefs choose a humanist ceremony because they can all agree on the religiously neutral content with its personalized focus. In addition, the Society for Humanistic Judaism celebrates many of the traditional Jewish holidays, but without reference to God or the supernatural.

There are no special rules or observances that humanists have to follow. Some humanists have no interest in ceremonies and do not want to take part in any rites of passage. If they do hold ceremonies, there are no required words, no special format, or official liturgy. They are always created for the people involved, so each one is unique and personal.

But creating your own ceremony can be difficult. Most of us could use some help writing a ceremony. And while some people may find a friend or relative to conduct the celebration, many people look for outside help from an experienced celebrant.

Humanist groups have developed a variety of resources to help non-religious families create personal, secular ceremonies.

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Guide books

Jane Wynne Willson has written three step-by-step practical guide books for humanist ceremonies: baby namings, weddings, and funerals. Funerals without God is the only one published in the US as well as the UK. New Arrivals: Guide to Nonreligious Naming Ceremonies and Sharing the Future: Guide to Nonreligious Wedding Ceremonies are available from the British Humanist Association, as is Funerals without God: Practical Guide to Nonreligious Funerals.

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Celebrants

  • The Humanist Society, an affiliate of the American Humanist Association, runs a network of certified humanist celebrants who are licensed to officiate in their states. This site includes geographic directory of celebrants who may perform weddings, unions, baby namings, or funerals. Other sources at the same site include a listing of state laws on who may perform weddings.
  • The British Humanist Association (BHA) offers humanist funerals, weddings, baby-namings and other non-religious ceremonies. They offer a large network of trained, accredited celebrants as well as guidebooks for baby namings, weddings, and funerals.
  • The Humanist Society of Scotland maintain their own network of celebrants. Scotland is the only part of the UK to allow humanist celebrants to conduct legally binding weddings.
  • The International Humanist and Ethical Union's "Humanist World" page lists other organizations worldwide. Look for an organization in your country, and if they don't list ceremonies, consider asking them – maybe yours will be the first they perform!
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Secular Graces & Invocations

In addition to the major rites of passage, humanists often find themselves asked to contribute to other types of ceremonial event: a benediction before a banquet, an invocation at a beginning of a legislative session, or a toast at retirement party. Some times the standard wording is religious, and secular participants struggle to find an alternative. Other times there is no standard wording. In either situation, you may find the following advice and examples useful:

  • A selection of secular alternatives to saying a Christian grace before a meal is given by the Humanist Society of Scotland
  • Sweet Reason, the humanist advice columnist, responds to a father request for a “secular grace” for his daughter’s wedding reception
  • An example of a secular invocation before a council meeting
  • An even more controversial invocation
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    Humanist Naming Ceremony

    All photos on this page by Edwin Kagin.

    The following is the script used for a Sept. 30 humanist naming ceremony that occurred during the Atheist Alliance International convention in Northern Virginia. Although some participants amended or adapted their speaking parts, most remained faithful to the script as follows. The event was filmed by PBS and is slated to be broadcast in the future. The Washington Post/Newsweek published a column by Matt Cherry about this ceremony.

    Participants included:

    • Prof. Richard Dawkins, author of The God Delusion
    • Margaret Downey, President of Atheist Alliance International
    • Dale McGowan, Editor Parenting Beyond Belief
    • Edwin Kagin, National Legal Director for American Atheists
    • Helen Kagin, Co-Founder Camp Quest
    • Larry Jones, President of the Institute for Humanist Studies
    • Bobbie Kirkhart, Board Member of the Institute for Humanist Studies
    • Jennifer Lange, Lobbyist for the Institute for Humanist Studies
    • August E. Brunsman IV, Executive Director of the Secular Student Alliance
    • Amanda Metskas, President of Camp Quest, Inc.
    • Katherine Reittinger
    • Matt Cherry, Executive Director of the Institute for Humanist Studies
    • Shannon Cherry
    • Sophia and Lyra Cherry

    Welcome to the World Ceremony
    for Sophia Victoria Cherry and Lyra Morgan Cherry

    COMMENCEMENT

    Music: "I sing the Body Electric"

    INTRODUCTION
    Margaret Downey

    Good morning, my name is Margaret Downey. I am a Secular Humanist Celebrant here on behalf of Matt and Shannon Cherry. It is a pleasure to welcome you all here this morning to celebrate and honor their beautiful daughters, Lyra Morgan and Sophia Victoria on the occasion of their Naming and Welcoming Ceremony.

    Dale McGowan:

    Look to this day
    for it is life
    the very life of life.
    in its brief course lie all
    the realities and truths
    of existence,
    the joy of growth,
    the splendor of action,
    the glory of power.
    For yesterday is
    but a memory.
    And tomorrow is
    only a vision.
    But today well lived
    makes every yesterday
    a memory of happiness
    and every tomorrow
    a vision of hope.
    Look well, therefore,
    to this day.

    Margaret Downey: Thank you, Dale. That ancient Sanskrit poem was read five years ago at the humanist wedding ceremony to celebrate the love of Shannon and Matt Cherry.

    On that day they pledged to "be friends, lovers, and partners in marriage" and to "build a home that is compassionate to all, full of respect and honor for others and each other."

    They continue to fulfill that pledge in their daily lives but now they have an even more momentous commitment.

    Now they are responsible for two people who would not be here but for Shannon and Matt and their love for each other.

    All of us have been invited here today to welcome Lyra and Sophia to our community, and to offer our love, support and encouragement to them and their family in this wonderful adventure of life.

    Since time immemorial, people have celebrated the special moments in their lives with ceremony and music, with solemn commitments and joyful celebration.

    Such occasions bring together friends and family and community.

    For Matt and Shannon this conference represents a very important part of their community.
    You are the community that shares their non-religious beliefs and values. The moral support of fellow freethinkers is especially important for humanist families like the Cherrys who are raising children in such a religious society.

    On behalf of Shannon and Matt and their family, I thank you for coming here today. Most of the Cherrys' friends and family live in New York and England. So many loved ones could not be here today. But we know their thoughts are with us as we share in this welcoming ceremony.

    Today's celebration serves several purposes. It is an opportunity for us all to reflect on the wonder of new life and assert our secular family values.

    This ceremony is both a naming ceremony and a welcoming celebration. It introduces two of the newest members of this freethought family and welcomes them to our fold.

    This welcoming and naming ceremony is also an opportunity for supporting adults to pledge their commitment to love and mentor these children as they grow into adulthood.

    First, let's introduce the stars of this ceremony and give them their names.

    (Shannon and Matt stand up on stage with Lyra and Sophia on their hip.)

    A name, once given, will be associated forever with a face, a voice, a walk, a laugh, and all the other characteristics our family and friends recognize.

    These girls' name will be spoken, whispered, shouted, cried, sung and written –thousands of times, impersonally or meaningfully –by family, friends, neighbors, teachers, classmates, doctors, colleagues, strangers, lovers, and maybe by children and grandchildren.

    Lyra and Sophia are 20 months old now, so they have had plenty of time to get used to their names.

    But they have a lifetime in which to grow into these great humanist names. Their grandmother, Katherine Reittinger, will introduce and explain their names.

    Kathi: These two lovely girls have beautiful and powerful names that are echoed in philosophy and music. For, in Greek, Sophia means wisdom and Lyra refers to music and lyrics. As I said, philosophy and music.

    Lyra, which is also the name of a star constellation shaped like a lyre, is named after the heroine of His Dark Materials, the greatest freethought novels in children's literature.

    Lyra's middle name is Morgan, which comes from a far more ancient character. Morgan LaFay, the powerful and mysterious sister of King Arthur, that legendary hero of the ancient Britons.

    Sophia Victoria, which means wisdom triumphant, is not named after great fictional characters, but after a great real character. My mother Victoria Sophia, who was called Sasha, and that is Sophia's nickname too.

    Margaret Downey: Wherever names originate, we make them our own as we live and grow as unique individuals. And what an amazing adventure of discovery and creativity life can be.

    Show Sagan Cosmos clip

    Richard Dawkins with the Cherry familyRichard Dawkins: As rationalists we seek to replace mystery with understanding, but the more we understand the natural world, the more awe-inspiring and beautiful it appears to us.

    Just consider the point made by Carl Sagan: Every element except hydrogen and helium was created in the nuclear furnaces we call stars and then blown across cosmic distances in supernovae.

    All the oxygen, carbon, nitrogen, iron, all the stuff making up our bodies is star stuff. Isn't that the most fabulous creation story you ever heard?

    And while it took human imagination to discover this story, it is not a work of fiction, but a truth slowly, painstakingly drawn out from our experience of the world around us. Of all the experiences of our lives though, surely no event is more inspiring than the birth of a child.

    The sheer odds against any individual being born are stupefyingly huge. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people.

    And yet here we all are; each of us in all our uniqueness and ordinariness is alive at this one place in the vast cosmos at this one moment in the enormity of time.

    As I said in Unweaving the Rainbow, "After sleeping through a hundred million centuries, we have finally opened our eyes on a sumptuous planet, sparkling with colour, bountiful with life, within decades we must close our eyes again.

    Isn't it noble, an enlightened way of spending our brief time in the sun, to work at understanding the universe and how we came to wake up in it?"

    Margaret Downey: I am now going to ask Matt to read a poem to his daughters. It is based on a poem by David Ignatow:

    Matt:

    For My Daughters

    When I die choose a star
    and name it after me
    that you may know
    I have not abandoned
    or forgotten you.
    You were such a star to me,
    following you through birth
    and childhood, my hands
    in your hands.

    When I die
    choose a star and name it
    after me so that I may shine
    down on you, until you join
    me in darkness and silence
    together.

    Bobbie Kirkhart: Good parenting matters to all of us because happy children may become happy, fulfilled adults who'll influence everyone around them for the better. The great nineteenth century freethinker Robert Ingersoll had these words of wisdom on raising children.



    "Do not treat your children like orthodox posts to be set in a row. Treat them like trees that need light and sun and air.

    "Be fair and honest with them; give them a chance. Recollect that their rights are equal to yours. Do not have it in your mind that you must govern them; that they must obey.

    "Throw away forever the idea of master and slave.

    "We must educate the children. Rescue them from ignorance and crime. Schoolhouses are the real temples and teachers are the true priests.

    "Let us develop the brain, civilize the heart, and give wings to the imagination.

    "Teach your children the facts that you know. If you do not know, say so. Be as honest as you are ignorant. Do all you can to develop their minds to the end that they may live useful, happy lives. Teach them the world is natural.

    "Teach them to be absolutely honest. Do not send them where they will contract diseases of the mind -- the leprosy of the soul.

    "Let us do all we can to make them intelligent.

    "All children should be the children of love. All that are born should be sincerely welcomed."

    Matt and Shannon: Lyra and Sasha, may you have joy in listening and joy in speaking; joy in thinking and joy in exploring; joy in creating and joy in learning. May you be bold in reaching for your goals, and brave in standing up for what is right. May your days be forever bright in play and work, and forever rich in love and friendship.

    Margaret Downey: Homer tells how Odysseus asks a trusted friend, called Mentor, to look after his family and young son Telemarchus while Odysseus is off fighting the Trojans.

    We hope that Matt and Shannon won't go off to any wars, or get as lost as Odysseus on the way back home. But we do know that all children can benefit from their very own mentors. Even with their parents in their lives, children sometimes need supporting adults from outside the family circle; mentors who will take a special interest in their welfare and happiness.

    Matt and Shannon have asked their friends Jennifer Lange and August Brunsman to be mentors for Sophia. Amanda Metskas and Larry Jones will be mentors for Lyra.

    I ask August and Jennifer to please rise.

    (Jennifer and August stand)

    Jennifer and August, do you formally accept a commitment to Sophia to offer support and sanctuary, friendship and advice, so that in times of doubt or difficulty she can turn to you with confidence and trust?

    Jennifer and August: We accept this responsibility.

    (Jennifer and August sit down. Larry and Amanda stand)

    Margaret: Amanda and Larry, do you formally accept a commitment to Lyra to offer support and sanctuary, friendship and advice, so that in times of doubt or difficulty she can turn to you with confidence and trust?

    Amanda and Larry: We accept this responsibility.

    Margaret: I will now ask the mentors to join with me in reading these words adapted from the poem by Dorothy Law Nolte.

    (Amanda, Jennifer, Larry, August, and Margaret take turns at the microphone, but are all standing together at the lectern)

    Amanda: If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.

    August: If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

    Margaret: If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.

    Larry :If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

    Jen:If children live with security, they learn trust.

    Margaret: If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

    Amanda: If children live with acceptance, and friendship, they learn to find love in the world.

    Margaret: Lyra Morgan Cherry and Sophia Victoria Cherry, on behalf of everyone here I welcome you to the world with love.

    This wouldn't be much of a welcoming party without a gift. But what would be the ideal gift for welcoming two youngsters to the freethought community? I am pleased to invite Edwin Kagin and Helen Kagin on stage to give us all the answer.

    Edwin: We are all born without beliefs in gods, ghosts and invisible unicorns. So all we need to do to raise our children without superstitions is to tell them nothing. Right? Well, not exactly.

    Helen: You see, we live in a society where lots of people have lots of different beliefs. In fact, it's a society where most people have beliefs different from ours. So we need to teach our children how to work out which beliefs are good and which are bad, which claims are true and which are false.

    Edwin: But questioning majority beliefs is difficult and unpopular. It can be lonely.

    Sometimes it helps to know there are others who share our beliefs, who support our values. That need for support and fellowship can be especially true for children.

    That's why we founded Camp Quest as a secular summer camp for the children of atheists, humanists and other freethinkers. Camp Quest gives our kids a chance to explore nature and put critical thinking into practice. It lets them meet new children and adults who will encourage them instead of frowning on their godless family values. It's a chance for creative freethinking and fun away from parents and familiar surroundings.

    It is therefore my great pleasure to give a Camp Quest scholarship to both Lyra and Sophia.

    Girls, when you are old enough, you can go to any Camp Quest in the country. You will go to great places and find new friends and new adventures. I don't know where your journeys will take you, but I know that you will have a lot of friends and support from the secular community wherever you go.

    Margaret Downey: Thank you Edwin, on behalf of us all. Now since we started with a reading from Matt and Shannon's wedding we will end with one too, as our participants will read stanza's from Dr. Seuss's "Oh the Places You Will Go."

    (The readers from the ceremony will come on stage and line up at the steps to quickly follow the process.)

    Dale McGowan: Congratulations! Today is your day.
    You're off to Great Places!
    You're off and away!

    Kathi Reittinger: You have brains in your head.
    You have feet in your shoes
    You can steer yourself
    any direction you choose.

    Jennifer Lange: You're on your own. And you know what you know.

    And YOU are the girl who'll decide where to go.

    August Brunsman: You'll look up and down streets.
    Look 'em over with care.
    And some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
    With your head full of brains and shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

    Bobbie Kirkhart: You'll get mixed up, of course,
    as you already know.
    You'll get mixed up
    with many strange birds as you go.
    So be sure when you step.
    Step with care and great tact
    and remember that Life's
    a Great Balancing Act.

    Amanda Metskas: Just never forget to be dextrous and deft.
    And never mix up your right foot with your left.

    And will you succeed?
    Yes! You will indeed!

    (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

    All Readers: KIDS, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

    Edwin Kagin: So...
    be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
    or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
    you're off to Great Places!
    Today is your day!
    Your mountain is waiting.
    So...get on your way!

    Margaret: This concludes the Cherry Family Naming and Welcome to the World secular ceremony.

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